This is a tremendous test of faith - by David

After 2 miscarriages in 2021 and 2022, and now this massive difficulty in 2023, I wonder if this is a sign from God that we are not meant to have children.

But I also see how strong Shufen is - the tremendous resilience that God has given her amidst the tremendous physical and emotional toll this situation is taking on her.

We will have baby Faith for just a few days. And in that time, we will give her all the love and care that we can, and surround her with family and friends.

It will be the first pregnancy that finally allows us to hold our baby, and we will cherish her and this journey.

At the end, we will also have achieved what every Christian parent wants for their child - to have a life filled with love and go to heaven.

'That is Soo Messed Up'

 On one of the days after I returned from Japan, my day was filled with the above - whether in speechless facial expressions, or in something implicit, but oh well... it's along those lines. 

Even though I was the victim here, I seemed to be the only calm one. I felt like I had to console or reassure the people I shared the news with. I told them that I was okay and that I'm at peace because I have trust in our Lord, that His plans are always good. 

But by the end of the day, I was left feeling very emotionally drained. 

At cell group gathering that night, there were many good news. More people becoming pregnant, some giving birth soon, seeing parents with their kids, healthy beautiful kids. 

Suddenly.... 

It felt like I was the only one - pregnant, but with a bad news. 

I'm carrying a baby who will die the moment she is born. 

While mothers are celebrating the birth of their baby, I will be holding a funeral for mine. 

Suddenly, it felt like I can't make sense of any of these. Everyone was right, 'This is so Messed Up'. 

Since the news from my doctor, I have felt compelled and led to praise God, and sing of His goodness. In every worship I led, I chose songs about God's goodness and sovereignty. I suppose it's because right before the teleconsult with the doctor, I made a fervent prayer and commitment that I will sing praises of His goodness, whatever the outcome, all the days of my life. 

But suddenly I was questioning... How does this all fit together... How can any of these be good?!

My thoughts were running wild. I asked God, how can you do this to an innocent baby? The baby that I love. How can a good God do this to my baby? Why do all bad things happen to me? And to all my children no less. 

It got more drastic... And went to a point like... God this is the last time I am speaking to you. God I am not going to be strong anymore. I am not going to be strong for You... Not anymore. 

During cell, they were distributing cards with verses. And as these thoughts ran wild in my head, I received this. 

 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. - Lamentations 3:25

I looked at the verse but my heart all numb. It's as though God was trying His best to talk to me through the verse but I didn't want to receive it. 

And then it was my turn to share how the verse had touched me. And I honestly shared about my vulnerable moment with my cell mates - That honestly, at this moment in time, I cannot receive this verse I am holding wholeheartedly because I feel that nothing good is happening right now. You simply cannot say what I am experiencing is good. 

I think everyone was speechless when they heard me. I don't think anyone knew what to say. A friend told me that it is alright to feel vulnerable. To have moments when we breakdown and feel weak. We don't have to feel the need to be strong all the time to be good stewards of Christ. 

I went home, shocked by my apparent moment of meltdown and what I had told God for the first time in my life - The God whom I love. 

I needed to make sense of what was happening because nothing did at this very point in time. 

I knew that in such vulnerable moments, God is closest to me. 

I knew He wanted to speak to me. 

As I went to my bedroom to pray, I remembered my first and second miscarriages. The bedroom was my most magical place - the place where I lost my baby in but also felt the most peace. 

And then He spoke to me. 

It wasn't like it was in words. It felt more like an epiphany: 

To make the best of every moment while my little baby is still with me. She is still very much alive, kicking and dancing around in my womb. I see her in her carefree moments during ultrasound how she would twirl and move about. 

Why do I mourn as though she is gone? Her time has yet to come. 

For the first time, I felt her kick. It never dawned on me that that was a kick but tonight it did. I've felt something similar on few occasions but dismissed it as maybe a muscle twitch. I've told friends that I've yet to feel my baby kick. But that night, I recognized this as my beloved little girl's kick. 

I made a commitment that night to cherish each and every moment my little baby girl is with me, surviving on my every feed, feeling my emotions, hearing my singing, listening to my voice as I praise God.

I can and have something to rejoice in and praise God for after all. 

The day we received Confirmatory Results

 That fateful day, David and I were in Japan. 

Results were not due in 2 weeks more, but our doctor had apparently received the confirmatory amniocentesis results and wanted to do an urgent tele-consult with us. 

In the days before this fateful day, I was praying and hoping for a favorable outcome, that Little Faith was a healthy baby, in spite of preliminary test results. 

The night before, I was in some sort of panic. I found myself hyperventilating a little, and I couldn't sleep. 

The morning of that fateful day, I opened up my devotional to read. 

It was about suffering.

If we're going to stand up and make a difference for Christ while others lounge about, you can be sure we will encounter hardships, obstacles, nuisances, hassles and inconveniences... And we shouldn't be surprised. Such difficulty while serving Christ isn't necessarily suffering - it's status quo - Joni Tada. 

 

It was an awakening - that it is through our little hardships, that God's love shines. 

At that moment, I made a commitment, to continue to praise God and His goodness, whatever the outcome, all the days of my life.

And this was the prayer we made moments before our teleconsult. 

That day we received two bad news: 1) Down syndrome was confirmed. 2) Little Faith has a fatal heart condition. 

Despite the news, we were very calm and composed. 

We trust that if this was His will, He will certainly provide and walk with us. 

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Also that very day, we took a walk in the garden. 

We agreed to cherish what we have and enjoy our time with Little Faith while it lasts. 

Here's a picture of me with my little bump. 

I was also very tired because the garden was very big and we walked for a really long time, haha.  

Seeing my baby pictures

During one of the visits to my parent's, I chanced upon pictures of us in our growing up years that my parents had so endearingly displayed.

At that point, I felt a wave of emotions. I grew up in a very loving environment and had a very lovely childhood. 

It dawned on me that I had a lot of God's love growing up. He loves us so much - He loved us even before we knew Him, He loved us even when we were in my mom's womb.

And it is the same with Little Faith. 

God loves Little Faith, just as much as He loves us.

 

That little reminder gave me much comfort - knowing that come what may, Little Faith is immensely loved, and that she will be well taken care of on earth, and in heaven. 

Before the results - The wait. Part 3

 One day, I visited dad.

Dad told me that he had been praying daily. 

He also shared that he's been in depression since the screening results. 

He prayed for a miracle to happen, and that baby will be normal, and healthy. 

He told God that he would finally believe there is a God and be a Christian if He could answer his prayers. 

I know that he made that prayer because he cares about me and that he doesn't want me to suffer for the rest of my life. 

He couldn't see it any other way. 

My heart was heavy that day.

Because I know that God is sovereign and good, and deserves our praises, whether life goes the way we want it to or not. 

Of course, I want with all my heart and deepest desire for Little Faith to be normal like everyone else's baby. 

But I also love our God. He shouldn't have to serve me or my desires, I don't deserve it. 

That night, I prayed 

Lord, not for my will but your will be done.

God, I will praise you, whatever my circumstance, because you are my beloved God!

And at that point, I experienced so much love, it was beautiful. 

Before the results - The wait. Part 2

There are days, I pray so earnestly for a miracle as I await amniocentesis results which would confirm the diagnosis.

When friends and family pray for me, I was hoping they'd pray for a miracle, for Little Faith to actually be normal and healthy.

It's a strange position to be in.

As a healthcare worker and seeing many palliative care patients, I was used to breaking bad news and poor prognosis to clients' loved ones.

It is often that most would pray and hope for a miracle, even for the most terminal of conditions.

Sometimes, as a clinician, it can be perceived that their hope for a miracle may be somewhat pointless. I do not discourage it because it gives them a ray of hope in dark times.

Truly, miracles can happen, although in my experience, they happen extremely rarely.

Now being in the role of my clients, I experience that desperation for a miracle - and it was a strange position to be in. 

Before the results - The wait. Part 1

Initial screening tests had revealed that Little Faith has a high probability of down syndrome. 

When I first found out, I could not wrap my head around it.

How is it that after all that we have gone through, the loss of 2 little ones, and just when we thought that all was well, a bomb of this magnitude was flung into our lives. What are the odds of having two miscarriages and then a down syndrome child at a successful pregnancy? 

We were good Christians, we served God and the church faithfully, we love and serve people in our lives in our work and in our everyday. 

What went wrong?

I was so bitter, it hurt. 

Our greatest fear was not in our suffering, but for our little Faith. Who was going to take care of her when David and I are gone? Down syndrome is a dependent and lifelong condition. Would she suffer for a lifetime, would she die in loneliness just as I'd witnessed in some of my patients?

There are days I would go into some sort of panic attack worrying about the future.

In my quiet time and bible readings, this verse was particularly prominent: 

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” — Jeremiah 29:11. 

Sure, God. How is this even a plan to prosper?! How can this possibly be a plan of hope?

But as I came to read deeper and understand the context surrounding this verse, this was spoken to God's children at a time of untold suffering, when they were about to be thrown into exile and suffer for dozens of years.

- That prosperity, and hope, in the biblical context, means so much more than our humanly understanding of these words. It is a hope in the eternal and a future beyond life on earth.

A friend bought us a beautiful plaque of the Jeremiah 29:11 verse, and it is displayed in my living room, as a constant reminder of hope.  

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In my time of reading, I have also learnt to trust wholly in God's provision, to take things one step at a time, and to not be anxious about the future. 

I once heard a pastor say:

"How much light does God give you? Just enough light for the next step, one step at a time. It won't be light for a whole year, a month, sometimes not even for a day. Just enough light for one step at a time. But there will always be a ray of light in front of you, just so you know exactly where to go. And that will be enough..."

We trust, even if we simply cannot imagine a way out of this suffering, that if God wills it to happen, He will provide. And His grace will be sufficient for us. 

This is Faith... Faith not in our understanding, but a wholehearted faith and reliance on His grace.

Why we chose to keep Little Faith - an FAQ

 This is a very common question. 

The choice of abortion is obvious for most people, even for myself - before I had little Faith.

When I was working in IMH and nursing homes, I met a few residents who had down syndrome. And I saw suffering. They didn't have any loved ones - either they were 'abandoned', or their parents had passed on.

I loved my time taking care of these residents - because I see that they were the most marginalized and in need of care in this modern society, and it was humbling to be blessed with the opportunity to care for them. It was what I came to nursing for. 

But because of the suffering and loneliness I saw, I told my young self back then, that if my own should ever be abnormal, I would likely choose abortion, - not only because it is suffering for me, for his/her sibling, for his/her grandparents, but more importantly - it is suffering to live for the beloved child.

 

When I was in the car, on my way to the gynae, before I was told about the outcome of the NT scan, I had suspected something was wrong - based on the radiologists' response and reaction. She was awfully quiet during the scan, and told me later on that she had arranged for my gynae to speak to me asap.

In that moment, I prayed, and asked God - what would He want me to do if baby really was abnormal. And the answer was clear - God wanted me to keep the baby. I knew it so clearly in my heart. To David, it was also obvious to keep the baby whatever the outcome.  

It was very difficult times. I've had many well-meaning family members, friends, even doctors, who urged me to strongly consider abortion if the diagnosis were to be unfavorable. 

After the diagnosis of down syndrome and HLHS were confirmed, we were clear about one fact. We do not want Little Faith to suffer. 

Abortion is a very cruel process for the little one - because by now, all her nerves would have been formed and she would be in much pain, should we forcefully take life away from her.

While she is well and prancing around happily in my tummy now, she may not survive past a day or two once she is born. 

HLHS is a fatal heart condition, requiring multiple surgeries to sustain life, and eventually require a heart transplant. Most HLHS babies do not survive beyond 5 years even after surgery. Thus, we have made the decision for comfort care - meaning not for surgery, with a focus on ensuring her comfort and quality of life until her last breath. 

Lastly, we believe that life and death comes from God alone. We were in no place to make the decision to end this precious little life. 

At the beginning... Meet Little Faith! And a bit about her Siblings.

Hello!

Meet Little Faith.

This was when she was really little in the first trimester.

This was also the first time I saw my baby move, and it was simply magical. I was gushing and smiling so much.  

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After having suffered two miscarriages (our beloved Little Lucy and Little Emmanuel are now home with the Lord), it was also a huge milestone for us that for the first time, our little one could reach past the age of 12 weeks.

In remembrance of Little Lucy, 

                                                        

Lucy means light, because she is the first light in our lives. I remember when I lost her... I was grieving. Right in that very moment of grief, in my bedroom, I envisioned a bright light, and it was so beautiful. There were rainbows and butterflies, and I knew in that moment that Little Lucy was right there with us, just before the angels take her to heaven. 

David took out his guitar and we sang a song of worship to our God, in our bedroom, that fateful morning. It was also the first time we sang a song of worship together and it was a beautiful moment for us.

 In remembrance of Little Emanuel, 

Emmanuel means, God with us. We were grief-stricken when we lost Little Emmanuel. He was growing so well until his little heart stopped beating suddenly and he stopped growing. This was the second time we lost our little one. 

This time it was awkward. I must have been queer for 2 miscarriages to have happened in a row. Deep down, I didn't know how to talk about it to friends, because I could tell that some friends simply didn't know how to react or avoided the topic altogether. 

But God was faithful. Reading His word and books, gave me comfort in a dark time of sorrow. I told myself that I must boldly talk about my experience and testify for Him. 

 

 Miscarriages are hardly heard of or spoken about. Until it happened to me, did many colleagues, friends and family came forward to share about their experience with their own miscarriages. Most people don't openly talk about it as if its something to be ashamed of. But there is nothing to hide or be ashamed. Apparently, I was told it happens so commonly one third of pregnancies may end up in a miscarriage. 

Because of what happened, we went for further investigations to look for genetic predisposition - turns out nothing was abnormal. My doctors attributed the miscarriage to sheer case of bad luck and encouraged us not to give up. I'd like to think everything happened by God's beautiful plans, even if at this moment, we cannot comprehend why things turned out the way it did. 

The reason for this blog...

I've had many bewildered friends/colleagues who simply cannot grasp how we are actually coping despite how difficult things might have seemed.

I chronicle our journey here so that you'll understand why and how.

No, its not because we are very strong. We have broken down many times, and there were occasions where I was in complete denial and wreck. 

But it is by the sheer grace of God, and the love for our Little Faith that keeps us going, and to decide logically at every difficult stage - what is best for our little girl.

I know how hard it can be for some of my dear friends when I break the news to you.

Some of you cry and tear, or are just simply too speechless and not sure how to react.

I feel really bad that the news is so heavy for some of you... and I thought, instead of dropping the bomb on you so cruelly, you'd read about our journey for yourself -  because then you'd get to journey with us, rejoice with us, and cherish the little moments we have with Little Faith while she is still so present and alive with us today, in my womb haha.

 

On a side note, we named our baby girl, Little Faith, because she strengthened our faith in God in spite of difficult circumstances. I added a ‘Little’ in front because, well she's little, and to differentiate her from our many lovely friends by the name of Faith, haha. (shout out to all the 大 Faiths out there!) 

Lastly, thank you all for the care and love you show to me, David and Little Faith. <3