On one of the days after I returned from Japan, my day was filled with the above - whether in speechless facial expressions, or in something implicit, but oh well... it's along those lines.
Even though I was the victim here, I seemed to be the only calm one. I felt like I had to console or reassure the people I shared the news with. I told them that I was okay and that I'm at peace because I have trust in our Lord, that His plans are always good.
But by the end of the day, I was left feeling very emotionally drained.
At cell group gathering that night, there were many good news. More people becoming pregnant, some giving birth soon, seeing parents with their kids, healthy beautiful kids.
Suddenly....
It felt like I was the only one - pregnant, but with a bad news.
I'm carrying a baby who will die the moment she is born.
While mothers are celebrating the birth of their baby, I will be holding a funeral for mine.
Suddenly, it felt like I can't make sense of any of these. Everyone was right, 'This is so Messed Up'.
Since the news from my doctor, I have felt compelled and led to praise God, and sing of His goodness. In every worship I led, I chose songs about God's goodness and sovereignty. I suppose it's because right before the teleconsult with the doctor, I made a fervent prayer and commitment that I will sing praises of His goodness, whatever the outcome, all the days of my life.
But suddenly I was questioning... How does this all fit together... How can any of these be good?!
My thoughts were running wild. I asked God, how can you do this to an innocent baby? The baby that I love. How can a good God do this to my baby? Why do all bad things happen to me? And to all my children no less.
It got more drastic... And went to a point like... God this is the last time I am speaking to you. God I am not going to be strong anymore. I am not going to be strong for You... Not anymore.
During cell, they were distributing cards with verses. And as these thoughts ran wild in my head, I received this.
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. - Lamentations 3:25
I looked at the verse but my heart all numb. It's as though God was trying His best to talk to me through the verse but I didn't want to receive it.
And then it was my turn to share how the verse had touched me. And I honestly shared about my vulnerable moment with my cell mates - That honestly, at this moment in time, I cannot receive this verse I am holding wholeheartedly because I feel that nothing good is happening right now. You simply cannot say what I am experiencing is good.
I think everyone was speechless when they heard me. I don't think anyone knew what to say. A friend told me that it is alright to feel vulnerable. To have moments when we breakdown and feel weak. We don't have to feel the need to be strong all the time to be good stewards of Christ.
I went home, shocked by my apparent moment of meltdown and what I had told God for the first time in my life - The God whom I love.
I needed to make sense of what was happening because nothing did at this very point in time.
I knew that in such vulnerable moments, God is closest to me.
I knew He wanted to speak to me.
As I went to my bedroom to pray, I remembered my first and second miscarriages. The bedroom was my most magical place - the place where I lost my baby in but also felt the most peace.
And then He spoke to me.
It wasn't like it was in words. It felt more like an epiphany:
To make the best of every moment while my little baby is still with me. She is still very much alive, kicking and dancing around in my womb. I see her in her carefree moments during ultrasound how she would twirl and move about.
Why do I mourn as though she is gone? Her time has yet to come.
For the first time, I felt her kick. It never dawned on me that that was a kick but tonight it did. I've felt something similar on few occasions but dismissed it as maybe a muscle twitch. I've told friends that I've yet to feel my baby kick. But that night, I recognized this as my beloved little girl's kick.
I made a commitment that night to cherish each and every moment my little baby girl is with me, surviving on my every feed, feeling my emotions, hearing my singing, listening to my voice as I praise God.
I can and have something to rejoice in and praise God for after all.
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