Difficult Decisions

As Little Faith's delivery is drawing near, we have to make difficult decisions to plan for her delivery and subsequent care.

Active vs. conservative.

Active approach would be to do everything in the medical team's power to preserve her life - meaning even if she were to stop breathing, her heart stops beating, she would be actively resuscitated, intubated, sent to ICU. 

Conservative would be to ensure her comfort above all else, even if it means losing her, allowing natural death to occur if her heart should stop beating, if she should stop breathing.

It is uncanny because usually, there is an obvious approach -- based very much on baby's prognosis. 

In this instance, however, her prognosis is extremely variable. She may respond with surgery or aggressive interventions, or she may not.

If she does survive with aggressive measures, what are we fighting for? A lifetime of repeated surgeries, repeated admissions to hospitals and ICUs. Not forgetting her global developmental disorder - the down syndrome.

There are various perspectives/opinions about these choices... but nobody but her family will be the ones having to care for her or watch her suffer - lifelong.

It is very hard. On the one hand, I know which decision would be most in line with logic and rationale, and on the other, I can't bear to let her go without putting up a fight. Yet, do we risk going through a lifetime of suffering, if we should pull her from death, snatching her from the doors of heaven where she would be very much better off than being here on earth. 

These are tough decisions. Little Faith is after-all, a child we love very, very much. 

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At church discipleship camp last week, I was hoping to find answers to the decisions I have to make. 

During the part where we practiced God speaking to us.... it felt natural to be talking to God and thanking Him for the blessings in my life. 

But at the part where He responds, 

In my vision, I saw tumultuous rushing waters. It was very rough waters.

I was disappointed. This was not what i wanted to see. I wanted to see smooth sailing waters. I wanted to know that there was an easy way out in this situation.

That baby will be saved. That some crazy miracle will happen, that Little Faith is normal after all.

I am a medical practitioner myself. I don't believe in spiritual miracles because it just isn't scientific or logical. I've never seen it happen in my years of practice. But in times of utmost desperation, I had hoped for the impossible. 

Later on in my vision, after the image of rushing waters, I saw an eagle soaring across the sky, over the waters.

It ended there.

I went to google what eagle means in the Bible.

 I came to Isaiah 40:31 - 

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I feared so much that in this walk with Little Faith, I will be extremely exhausted.
Incidentally, in these past months, I've had friends who have children who fall sick ever so often, mostly typical ailments of a growing child. I can see how tough it is for them in those times.

What more for my child, who's sick with a serious, high morbidity, heart condition, and a global development disorder that can never be cured.

I feared that my life would come to a standstill, that I will never rest or be happy again. That life will never be the same again.

This verse... reminded me of His providence. That in those times, I will run, but I will not be weary. Across tumultuous waters, God will carry me like on eagle's wings.