With every visit to the doctor, it gets more and more grim, with changing diagnosis about Little Faith's heart condition, or discovering more new health problems, and more talks about the consequences after Little Faith's birth - how our lives would drastically change and be robbed of normalcy, how it essentially derails from here...
My friends and I talked a lot about the topic of Termination For Medical Reasons (TFMR) in the past week.
While my rational self would say yes, my faith in God and love for my child would say no. And that triumphs over my rational side.
I love her too much to be the one to terminate her life.
I love her so much that even if it means that my life derails from here, I would still keep her.
I love her so much it hurts even talking about it.
There are days in my life... I said, 'God, no don't take me there. I don't want!' But I still followed that route. Sometimes out of forced circumstance because I was pushed to a corner, sometimes it was because I obeyed.
And in each of these circumstances, God made these moments beautiful, so beautiful there was no regrets. Had I chosen the other way, against God's plans for me, I would never have witnessed the grace of God and the beautiful blessings in my life.
Perhaps, I am simply not courageous enough to do the logically right thing.
Perhaps I am excited to see how God provides and surprises me again in this seemingly impossible and treacherous route.
It is a huge price to pay if I'm wrong.
But I'd still hold my breath and choose to wait and trust in His promises.
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