Suffering

 You know what happens... whenever I go for appointments.

It's always v sad and shocking at the same time. 

Her new diagnosis now is Ebstein's anomaly, another serious heart condition. 
They told me, the prognosis for this condition is variable. She could last for a long time.
And knowing me, I've been a fighter, my baby might be too. That worries me, because I don't want Little Faith to suffer for a long time. 

'She may be in NICU for months from the time of birth'

'She will be on tube feeding'

'She will need surgery through her lifetime'

'She will have repeated readmissions through her life'

'Its gonna be hard...' the neonatal doctor trailed off while looking at me intently as she said this, even though it wasn't related to the question I was asking then.

Relatives are lamenting over why we had chosen not to terminate Little Faith. 

Now, they say, its all too late, and baby will be suffering for a long time. There's no turning back.

In my prayers, from the beginning, I prayed hard that baby will be healthy, and that she will not have down syndrome.
- And then baby has down syndrome with a supposed fatal heart condition.

I asked God not to let baby suffer.
- Then Little Faith's diagnosis has changed to something that constitutes prolonged suffering. And suffering for us - physically, financially, emotionally. And not just for a moment - but perhaps for the rest of our entire lifetime. 

In previous worship concerts, I used to sing these songs about how God is always with me. How God is faithful in tough times. But these songs now seem so remote and distant. 

In last night's worship concert, I looked around and saw everyone rejoicing and singing happily, just as I used to worship. Now I wonder if I can sing with the same faith and vigor.

The struggle is real.

When I came home, all drained emotionally, David, my pillar and strength, reminded me of Mother Theresa's words,

“I see Jesus in every human being. I say to myself, this is hungry Jesus, I must feed him. This is sick Jesus. This one has leprosy or gangrene; I must wash him and tend to him. I serve becuase I love Jesus.”

In my line of work, just as we see Jesus Christ in the ill and needy, we care and serve them wholeheartedly. 

We don't actively terminate their life just because we see them suffering.

So we see Christ in Little Faith, we value the precious sanctity of life, and will provide care and love to her to the best of our abilities, even if it constitutes suffering for us, because we love Jesus.