Before the results - The wait. Part 1

Initial screening tests had revealed that Little Faith has a high probability of down syndrome. 

When I first found out, I could not wrap my head around it.

How is it that after all that we have gone through, the loss of 2 little ones, and just when we thought that all was well, a bomb of this magnitude was flung into our lives. What are the odds of having two miscarriages and then a down syndrome child at a successful pregnancy? 

We were good Christians, we served God and the church faithfully, we love and serve people in our lives in our work and in our everyday. 

What went wrong?

I was so bitter, it hurt. 

Our greatest fear was not in our suffering, but for our little Faith. Who was going to take care of her when David and I are gone? Down syndrome is a dependent and lifelong condition. Would she suffer for a lifetime, would she die in loneliness just as I'd witnessed in some of my patients?

There are days I would go into some sort of panic attack worrying about the future.

In my quiet time and bible readings, this verse was particularly prominent: 

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” — Jeremiah 29:11. 

Sure, God. How is this even a plan to prosper?! How can this possibly be a plan of hope?

But as I came to read deeper and understand the context surrounding this verse, this was spoken to God's children at a time of untold suffering, when they were about to be thrown into exile and suffer for dozens of years.

- That prosperity, and hope, in the biblical context, means so much more than our humanly understanding of these words. It is a hope in the eternal and a future beyond life on earth.

A friend bought us a beautiful plaque of the Jeremiah 29:11 verse, and it is displayed in my living room, as a constant reminder of hope.  

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In my time of reading, I have also learnt to trust wholly in God's provision, to take things one step at a time, and to not be anxious about the future. 

I once heard a pastor say:

"How much light does God give you? Just enough light for the next step, one step at a time. It won't be light for a whole year, a month, sometimes not even for a day. Just enough light for one step at a time. But there will always be a ray of light in front of you, just so you know exactly where to go. And that will be enough..."

We trust, even if we simply cannot imagine a way out of this suffering, that if God wills it to happen, He will provide. And His grace will be sufficient for us. 

This is Faith... Faith not in our understanding, but a wholehearted faith and reliance on His grace.