The Story of Lazarus

  I was preparing to share word at cell group. 

As I was preparing, I read a verse excerpted from the story of Lazarus. In the story of Lazarus, Jesus raised him from the dead four days after his death. This miraculous act reflects the glory of God and is widely spoken of and shared to this day.

I recall a scene where Jesus wept just before He performed the miracle. It wasn't in the verse specifically picked out for the sharing, but my mind went to that particular scene. I re-read the story in the bible, to that moment when Jesus wept with family and friends of Lazarus in a time of mourning for his death, before he performed the miraculous act. 

That struck me because of the little vision that's been in my head in my time of despair. 

Life hasn't been easy since the last appointment.  The diagnosis of Little Faith's heart had changed. It wasn't HLHS anymore, a problem of the left heart. Rather it is now said to be a right heart problem (although I think the diagnosis will change again in the next appointment -_-''). It is still a severe defect, but from my understanding of the left and right heart function - a right heart defect might be less fatal, but it still is a severe problem - she might live for just a little longer, but that also means that there will be more prolonged suffering for Little Faith, something that we dread. It seems it just keeps getting harder and harder. 

Considerations of termination became more real.  Doctors and loved ones were discussing more and more about this. In my time of deep contemplation, I silenced the logical side of me, and prayed fervently, asking God for answers. 

When I was young, I used to pray while imagining God was physically beside me. It helps me to be more focused as I pray because I have prayer ADHD, haha. Overtime, at various critical life moments, these imaginations would take on a life of its own when I pray, so much so they surprise me. Sometimes the imageries are so deeply profound and full of wisdom I don't think these visions came from my imagination anymore. 

 In the past weeks, as I was praying for answers, as I asked God if it was okay if we considered termination... I saw an image of angels, and they were crying. I wondered what that meant, and so I asked God - and then I received an epiphany, an understanding.

The angels were crying because, in spite of everything, I had doubted God's faithfulness and promises in Little Faith's life. To even ask or consider termination meant that I lacked trust and faith in God's plans and sovereignty. 

Yet, God knows The End. Nobody knows how things will turn out. We can only deduce as much based on the investigations and scans... But nobody will know how The End is gonna be like, how everything would eventually pan out. And if He asks me to trust... If He asks me to have faith in His plans, and that it is good, why do I still doubt? 

In the coming days, this same vision - of angels crying - they would recur in my head, over and over - when I wake up in the morning, when I pray, before I go to bed. 

One may think it's a sad imagery. On the contrary, this vision brought me hope, and comfort. It was a vivid reminder that indeed, God knows the End. It was a reminder to trust that He is faithful, He will provide, and that eventually, everything's gonna be okay, I'll be okay. If He gave me the spiritual wisdom to make this decision - to not terminate, it cannot be a wrong decision. 

The scene of Jesus weeping at Lazarus death and before his miracles were performed brought me back to the imagery of the crying angels. 

I think it may be a poignant reflection that just as in this biblical story, God's glory will shine through our journey with Little Faith.... if we continue to trudge on, if we keep the faith. 

在苦难中，美事 必定会发生。