Footprints In The Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

- A poem by Willard Thomas. 

Suffering

 You know what happens... whenever I go for appointments.

It's always v sad and shocking at the same time. 

Her new diagnosis now is Ebstein's anomaly, another serious heart condition. 
They told me, the prognosis for this condition is variable. She could last for a long time.
And knowing me, I've been a fighter, my baby might be too. That worries me, because I don't want Little Faith to suffer for a long time. 

'She may be in NICU for months from the time of birth'

'She will be on tube feeding'

'She will need surgery through her lifetime'

'She will have repeated readmissions through her life'

'Its gonna be hard...' the neonatal doctor trailed off while looking at me intently as she said this, even though it wasn't related to the question I was asking then.

Relatives are lamenting over why we had chosen not to terminate Little Faith. 

Now, they say, its all too late, and baby will be suffering for a long time. There's no turning back.

In my prayers, from the beginning, I prayed hard that baby will be healthy, and that she will not have down syndrome.
- And then baby has down syndrome with a supposed fatal heart condition.

I asked God not to let baby suffer.
- Then Little Faith's diagnosis has changed to something that constitutes prolonged suffering. And suffering for us - physically, financially, emotionally. And not just for a moment - but perhaps for the rest of our entire lifetime. 

In previous worship concerts, I used to sing these songs about how God is always with me. How God is faithful in tough times. But these songs now seem so remote and distant. 

In last night's worship concert, I looked around and saw everyone rejoicing and singing happily, just as I used to worship. Now I wonder if I can sing with the same faith and vigor.

The struggle is real.

When I came home, all drained emotionally, David, my pillar and strength, reminded me of Mother Theresa's words,

“I see Jesus in every human being. I say to myself, this is hungry Jesus, I must feed him. This is sick Jesus. This one has leprosy or gangrene; I must wash him and tend to him. I serve becuase I love Jesus.”

In my line of work, just as we see Jesus Christ in the ill and needy, we care and serve them wholeheartedly. 

We don't actively terminate their life just because we see them suffering.

So we see Christ in Little Faith, we value the precious sanctity of life, and will provide care and love to her to the best of our abilities, even if it constitutes suffering for us, because we love Jesus.

The Story of Lazarus

  I was preparing to share word at cell group. 

As I was preparing, I read a verse excerpted from the story of Lazarus. In the story of Lazarus, Jesus raised him from the dead four days after his death. This miraculous act reflects the glory of God and is widely spoken of and shared to this day.

I recall a scene where Jesus wept just before He performed the miracle. It wasn't in the verse specifically picked out for the sharing, but my mind went to that particular scene. I re-read the story in the bible, to that moment when Jesus wept with family and friends of Lazarus in a time of mourning for his death, before he performed the miraculous act. 

That struck me because of the little vision that's been in my head in my time of despair. 

Life hasn't been easy since the last appointment.  The diagnosis of Little Faith's heart had changed. It wasn't HLHS anymore, a problem of the left heart. Rather it is now said to be a right heart problem (although I think the diagnosis will change again in the next appointment -_-''). It is still a severe defect, but from my understanding of the left and right heart function - a right heart defect might be less fatal, but it still is a severe problem - she might live for just a little longer, but that also means that there will be more prolonged suffering for Little Faith, something that we dread. It seems it just keeps getting harder and harder. 

Considerations of termination became more real.  Doctors and loved ones were discussing more and more about this. In my time of deep contemplation, I silenced the logical side of me, and prayed fervently, asking God for answers. 

When I was young, I used to pray while imagining God was physically beside me. It helps me to be more focused as I pray because I have prayer ADHD, haha. Overtime, at various critical life moments, these imaginations would take on a life of its own when I pray, so much so they surprise me. Sometimes the imageries are so deeply profound and full of wisdom I don't think these visions came from my imagination anymore. 

 In the past weeks, as I was praying for answers, as I asked God if it was okay if we considered termination... I saw an image of angels, and they were crying. I wondered what that meant, and so I asked God - and then I received an epiphany, an understanding.

The angels were crying because, in spite of everything, I had doubted God's faithfulness and promises in Little Faith's life. To even ask or consider termination meant that I lacked trust and faith in God's plans and sovereignty. 

Yet, God knows The End. Nobody knows how things will turn out. We can only deduce as much based on the investigations and scans... But nobody will know how The End is gonna be like, how everything would eventually pan out. And if He asks me to trust... If He asks me to have faith in His plans, and that it is good, why do I still doubt? 

In the coming days, this same vision - of angels crying - they would recur in my head, over and over - when I wake up in the morning, when I pray, before I go to bed. 

One may think it's a sad imagery. On the contrary, this vision brought me hope, and comfort. It was a vivid reminder that indeed, God knows the End. It was a reminder to trust that He is faithful, He will provide, and that eventually, everything's gonna be okay, I'll be okay. If He gave me the spiritual wisdom to make this decision - to not terminate, it cannot be a wrong decision. 

The scene of Jesus weeping at Lazarus death and before his miracles were performed brought me back to the imagery of the crying angels. 

I think it may be a poignant reflection that just as in this biblical story, God's glory will shine through our journey with Little Faith.... if we continue to trudge on, if we keep the faith. 

在苦难中，美事 必定会发生。

Time is my nemesis

My greatest nemesis at this point - is time. 

Time for the next appointment... where doctors would slap on yet again more bad news. 

Time continues to tick away. And with each passing day, week, or month, it gets closer and closer to Little Faith's birth, and eventually... Her end. 

While most parents look forward to the birth of the baby, cos they finally get to see them... 

I cherish the moments I have with Little Faith while she's in my womb. Because once she's born, it means her suffering begins, where she's forced to survive on her own feeble heart and lungs... before she eventually leaves me, and for good. 

There are times I feel happy to feel her kick, there are times I feel sad when her strong kick only reminds me of how weak they will soon become when she is born. 

Some days I feel okay, and on others I feel a sense of deep sadness and forlorn of a future I'll never have with Little Faith. 

Life is not a fairy tale. There is no happily ever after ... after passing the exams, winning a competition, after a successful graduation, after a wedding, after a pregnancy... no, life doesn't just end there. Life just becomes life, it gets harder and harder. 

But I have hope and a quiet sense of peace that...even when my life is hanging by a thread, it is a thread knit by God. 

And there is beauty in that. There is beauty, even in suffering. 

Dark clouds and Termination.

 With every visit to the doctor, it gets more and more grim, with changing diagnosis about Little Faith's heart condition, or discovering more new health problems, and more talks about the consequences after Little Faith's birth - how our lives would drastically change and be robbed of normalcy, how it essentially derails from here...

My friends and I talked a lot about the topic of Termination For Medical Reasons (TFMR) in the past week. 

While my rational self would say yes, my faith in God and love for my child would say no. And that triumphs over my rational side. 

I love her too much to be the one to terminate her life.

I love her so much that even if it means that my life derails from here, I would still keep her. 

I love her so much it hurts even talking about it. 

There are days in my life... I said, 'God, no don't take me there. I don't want!' But I still followed that route. Sometimes out of forced circumstance because I was pushed to a corner, sometimes it was because I obeyed. 

And in each of these circumstances, God made these moments beautiful, so beautiful there was no regrets. Had I chosen the other way, against God's plans for me, I would never have witnessed the grace of God and the beautiful blessings in my life. 

Perhaps, I am simply not courageous enough to do the logically right thing. 

Perhaps I am excited to see how God provides and surprises me again in this seemingly impossible and treacherous route. 

It is a huge price to pay if I'm wrong. 

But I'd still hold my breath and choose to wait and trust in His promises.